Home
Just me, my paintings, and various thoughts.(because trying to come up with a cute clever title just got too distracting)
By Lisa Murphy
So here’s what started to happen: I would begin to demo a shaving cream activity and as I reached for the can my brain would go into this slow-mo matrix kind of feel because I could already feel the…
Anxiety Pain
Anxiety and depression should hurt physically more. Then at least you could do something about it. You could massage a sore limb but there is little to do when your mind is screaming for help.
I am full of anxiety today, as every day. I wonder how much longer this will go on. I something wish I could have some physical ailment as a result, something to snap my mind into positivity, a life changing event. I hear of people who struggle, end up with cancer or a heart attack and then they go on to change their lives and value it even more.
I am still stuck on the “what happens if this continues” stream. What happens if I am always like this, forever? How can I cope?
I am happily married and we have a beautiful daughter. Every day I have with my family I am grateful but my depression and anxiety tend to interfere. I guess I am selfish in that way. I want to be happy outside of my family but when they are gone my reasons to be are gone as well. Without them I am nothing.
Schadenfreude Rubbish TV
Schadenfreude. Finding joy in others’ misfortune.
Out of curiosity I turned on Maury today. It was the typical DNA results show.
I have no idea how a woman could not know who fathered her baby? Really honestly how many men do women sleep with? It is so degrading and disgusting. Why not use birth control? We are smart enough as a society, birth control and sex are on our televisions daily. There is no excuse. I think they do it so they can have someone to love them back.
Those poor children. Where are all the fathers? We live in such a sick society.
I am watching, groaning, turning up my nose and yet I feel such a sense of relief! At least my situation is no where near theirs!
It’s kind of sad really. I feel joy based on their pain. I feel a little guilty.
Actually I am surprised there isn’t a Canadian version! Canadian fathers are gone too. But then again, who can blame them? They, more than likely, had no fathers themselves so they have no connection, no idea on how to be a dad.
Our society seems to have dissolved. Having children out of wedlock is nothing new but now it is expected, but should it? We shouldn’t be so accepting of it because truly it harms the children so much. I don’t necessarily care about the wedding part but it would be nice for at least the couple stick together and raise the children. Common law marriage is good enough I guess.
I think the Maury show also serves a purpose. It is a name and shame court. These women who have no help or acknowledgement from the fathers have no resort but to go on these shows just to prove parentage! So sad. We need to change things and quick.
What a wonderful world…..
I have hope
I have hope. I may be quitting my job! Ya!! I hate my job so much. I can’t wait.
Grown Up
I have come to realize that I don’t have much hope in myself. I have so much hope for my husband and daughter though, they have such a bright future. I have decided to put my selfish needs to the side. I have been such an egomaniac lately, only thinking about myself. I have been consumed by my career worries, well no more.
I am going to just do the job I have. I ended up leaving yesterday because I got a wicked migraine. I am afraid I will be fired. If I am I need a plan.
My plan is to clean. I will be a cleaner. I am good at it.
I want my daughter and husband to have the best possible future so I am going to stop thinking of me so much. I am also going to start taking my pills that my doctor recommended. At least my emotions towards work will be dulled. Maybe they will make me numb enough not to worry about my job anymore. In fact I have a feeling they will make me easier to live with. Plus all around.
Plan:
1. Stop talking so much about my job.
2. Take my medication.
3. Unsubscribe from all those other sites that talk about career fulfillment etc.
4. Look into cleaning and companion jobs.
I want to focus on this house which means cleaning it more often. I will also figure out how to fix the bathroom.
I want to just work and earn a pay check. I have to stop feeling so much.
There are no dream jobs, that was just naive. I chose this career so I am going to have to learn to live with it. I will not force my family to go even deeper into debt because of my stupid mistake.
I want to start saving for my daughter’s future. I will focus on her dreams now.
The Sea in Me
I have an ocean in my stomach, it is heaving and swirling. Damn Anxiety.
I woke up to it. I hate waking up with dread and nausea. I hate it. I hate living like this. How can you have a good start to your day when you feel like this?
I am so full of fear. I know I need to see a doctor but I don’t have a good one. I want a doctor that I can understand. I want one that at least speaks english. I don’t want to go back to my old doctor because he just tells me I need to take antidepressants which make me feel dizzy and sick anyways. What’s the point? I already feel sick and dizzy so why make it worse?
I have to go to work today. Dread.
I have to take my glasses back today since they were all scratched up! I just go them yesterday and they are scratched all over. I better get my money back or new glasses. I feel so powerless that I am afraid I will end up with a pair of useless $300 glasses. I really hope they will redo them. I didn’t scratch them after all.
I wonder sometimes why I feel so out of sorts. Is it because I don’t have a faith?
When I am really upset I find that believing in God helps me so much but only for a while. It makes me ok for a bit until things start getting worse or stay horrible. Then I start to blame myself and wonder what I am doing wrong?
I wonder does anyone else feel like this? Do you feel like you have a sea inside you?
How can I calm my nerves? Obviously something is not right about my career or at least the place where I work. I work with children for goodness sake, why am I so afraid? Something is wrong but I am also afraid that no matter where I work I will always be like this.
I hate chaos and the loss of control. I hate it when the room is so loud and so crazy. I wonder if I have autism. Not full on asbergers but maybe mild autism? I panic and can’t breathe when the room I work in goes like that. I don’t know which way to look, where to go etc.
I just need to feel hope again and I need to be able to eat and sleep without pain.
I want to feel better for my family because I love my husband and daughter so much. They deserve so much more.
Grouch
I am a grouch. This weekend I don’t even want to be around me. I am crabby, grouchy, snippy and rude. I have no idea why.
Could it be my dieting? I do hate dieting and I hate dieting with my husband even more. He just seems to be able to not eat. It’s frustrating because thats all I think about. Food. Where the food is, what it is, when I can eat it etc.
I also have a perpetual head ache which is getting to me.
Wow. I am such a downer and a b**ch. I admit it.
I am so sick of food. I wish I lived aboard the Star Trek Enterprise. Give me magic food any day, pre-measured etc. I would also happily live on pellets, shakes or bars. I am obsessed with food.
I am a sugar addict and I am going through withdrawal in a major way.
I also seem to be fluey. I wish I could go to a doctor but they all suck.
Enough griping and I sending myself into the corner and I hope tomorrow will be a better day.
(Source: atheistsconfessions, via faithinirony)
Diets
I am dieting again. This time it is with weight watchers. I want to lose weight so I can feel better about myself, I just want to accomplish something for me.
I have many family members who are all on the miracle diet called HCG diet. My sister in law has lost about 25lbs and looks really good. She hardly eats though and she sprays homeopathic spray into her mouth even though it contains nothing but alcohol and water. She would be better off buying some binaca spray :)
I have researched the HCG diet and it does seem as though it works. But fast dramatic weight loss doesn’t work in the long term. It will be interested to see how it works out for her.
So for me it will be slow and steady. Weight Watchers. Though I have no idea what I am going to eat once the points drop to 25!
(Source: kittydoom, via wilwheaton)
